Searching, Struggling, Scribbling

I'm still struggling with The Block. Probably the biggest creative block of my life. And I hate it. And I suspect I've bored you silly with it, which I think accounts for why I've blogged so infrequently since my Trip-of-a-Lifetime-Epic-Dream-Come-True Adventure.

But there's no getting around the fact that a big part of me has gone AWOL since my return. It's the part that exists between my imagination and my hands. Maybe it's my shadow. And even though months have passed since my Adventure I'm still trying to catch that elusive connection and sew it back onto myself. But it's hiding somewhere in Derbyshire and doesn't want to be found....

Life continues on in spite of Adventures, and things have been rollercoastery here since my return. So much so, that I've yet to nail down a lot of what I experienced there. And then I lost almost all of the photos I took! And then I grieved. Losing my shadow just seemed like part of the trauma. And it wasn't until well after Fest that I began to really worry about it.

As always, it helps to write, but drawing still seems out of the question. Why, exactly?? I wish I knew.... I begin a sketch and want to wreck it right away. I feel like a toddler with a big fat crayon and little clumsy hands, like I haven't the skills to execute all the Amazing that I see in my head.

This has to be overcome. Now. Months have passed! Folks depend on me. I have work to do!

I promised myself I'd begin this new year with some attitude. Tell myself that I won't stand for this any longer, no excuses, pick up that pencil and make a mark, scribble if that's what it takes! And I might just find out that what's been struggling to surface is the experience of my Big Adventure. There has to be a reason my shadow is still far away, right? Losing my mind/hand connection immediately upon my return from England can't be a coincidence....

And maybe by stepping off the rollercoaster here and focusing intently on my memories of there I can reconnect my two halves and feel like myself again....

Myself. Only different. Because Me-Before-England doesn't exist any longer. And I have yet to really try on and walk around in Me-After....

*blink*

(Sounds of crickets chirping)

Well, huh....

This could be interesting.
...

Will Wake for Adventure

Makeup's on, coffee's in -- I've been up for hours....

This rarely happens.

I'm a Night Owl of the highest order. And even knowing that I'd need an early start today didn't help me fall asleep any faster. But it seems I'll wake for Adventure. 

Who knew?

I accompanied James in to his work this morning and he dropped me off at a nearby posh mall, one with a designer coffee shop and a real estate broker, and sweet little stores that sell Coach bags, Tiffany memorabilia, and weird stuff like blinged-out deck shoes.... 

Nothing's open yet, of course, but the halllways are still full of people getting their exercise. The Silver Sneakers crowd. Folks my own age. Women dramatically madeup and perfectly coiffed, wearing diamonds with their workout wear. Men in their high-waisted Dockers and cardigans.

And then there's ME. Jeans and a hoodie and my Adventure Bag full of what James likes to calll my 'artist bumperstickers.' Inside are my art supplies.

Nothing makes me want to retreat back to my mess and my menagerie quite so much as being in such an environment. Right now I'm way out of my comfort zone.... 

But I'm only here because it's a conveniennt drop-off point. James has a half day today and he's got the afternoon planned. So I thought it'd be more convenient for him if I waited here, somewhere close, where we could get the afternoon off to a quicker start.

So while I wait I thought I'd write to you. And eat my peanutbutter sandwich. And perhaps draw a Little Something and perhaps even abandon it here. And maybe someone will find it, someone who wears clothes that aren't worn and don't come from the Goodwill, like mine.

Better yet, maybe someone frugal and comfortable and creative and totallly out of their comfort zone will find it.

And maybe it'll make their day.

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Something New!

James gifted me yesterday with a little portable Folio keyboard, one that I can pair with my phone so I can write off-site without having to compose with my thumbs. And I'm writing to you on it now. (SO grateful for this. Thank you, James!)

That said, I will take this opportunity to wish you the world's best Monday. And I hope that no matter where you are in the world today, your groundhog saw what you hoped he'd see.

Love,

~me.

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