An Opening Follow-Up

The only thing that makes me feel better (when I'm incapable of drawing) is writing.... So consider this a heads-up.

The Art Center has my apologies for being the 'artist' it assumed would be a good gallery draw. I have failed it.

My gallery opening was so bad that I jokingly asked the handful of attendees that trickled in that afternoon to please sign my guestbook at least twice just to make me feel like less of a failure.

It wasn't for lack of trying. I'd hyped the whole thing on Social Media. I'd sent MULTIPLE invites out to family, friends, and fans online. Larry organized an incredible event with printed programs and platters of fruits and cheeses and crackers, and even a vase of fresh flowers! And he even commented ahead of time that we should wait to unlock the gallery doors at the last moment to drum up anticipation. "Make 'em wait in the hall to be surprised!," he said. So I knew he was expecting Great Things. It made me wonder if his expectations could possibly be justified! I was already anxious. I hadn't slept for days, going over in my head the presentation I would give when it was my turn to introduce myself and say a few words about my work.

There was a printed program!

But I needn't have worried. The event was so ill-attended that it was laughable. And afterwards I took Larry aside and thanked him for putting together the reception in my honor. And I apologized for being such a disappointment to him and the Art Center. It was all I could do not to cry....

I went over it all in my head. I reminded myself that it WAS summer after all. And even though the day was rainy, it shouldn't have surprised me that few would care to spend it -- a Saturday in July in Minnesota -- indoors at a gallery opening. And again I berated myself for having the balls to think mine was an event worthy of anyone's attention. Take THAT, Ego!

But ignore all of the above for a moment.

Bottom line: I regarded this gallery thing as my introduction (finally!) to my fellow artists at the Art Center, who all think of me as the Leaf Lady who draws kooky faces on leaves. In October I will have been at the Center for three years (if I remember correctly) and yet I still feel like a Newbie there. Like the dorky kid still hoping for a seat at the Cool Table. And I thought this was my opportunity to say to them all, "I may draw on leaves now, but I'm so much more than this, see? Can I be an artist with you guys?"

And fresh flowers!

The handful of attendees at my opening included a couple strangers and a family that I'm friends with. No one was there that I danced with in my Eeyore jammies at the Art-a-Thon. No one was there that I've shared space with at the Studio Crawls. No one was there from the other gallery events that I've attended. No one was there from the Art Center at all, except for Larry (the host).

And Paul.

Paul Boecher is an incredible artist who teaches at the Art Center. His was the gallery opening that originally set the bar for me. (A presentation! a crowd!, a reading! live music!....) And like everyone else, he had no reason to take time out of his summer Saturday to come see my work. But he did. And when he showed up, it put tears in my eyes. He looked at my work and then talked about it with me. There's SO DANG MUCH I don't know about art, and Paul was kind enough to point out things I was doing that I wasn't even aware that I was doing. Things associated with 'design elements' and 'repetitive line' and other stuff I am completely unfamiliar with. Things I like to tell myself I would've learned had I been fortunate enough to go to Art School. He made it sound like I'm fancier than I am, more than just someone who likes to draw. It was a humbling conversation....

When the afternoon was mercifully over, I made James take me out for a drink. We talked about it for a bit (or he listened while I talked about it for a bit) and then I went home and curled up inside myself. The hubris! What was I thinking?

The show is open for another few weeks. And I should be there daily to share my work with the occasional Art Center visitor who stumbles upon my display and may want to meet the artist. But I've been unable to return to the gallery. I don't want to look at the art that wasn't worth celebrating, does that make sense?....

Someone recently shared a quote with me: "Instead of asking yourself, 'why is this happening to me?', try asking, 'what is this trying to teach me?'" And I have been thinking about this. Every day. And one of the things I'm learning is: just because someone is Family, a friend, a fan, a customer, a member of my 'tribe', or someone from the community I've personally called Home almost all my adult life, I cannot assume that I deserve to be a blip on their radar. They have their own priorities, and not everything is about Me.

And the other things I'm learning: I apparently have to work much harder on my friendship skills. I have to try harder to be more approachable and more likeable. I have to try working with my studio door open, even though I cannot work that way. (I can't; I've tried.)

And I have to ask myself if I'll ever really be a good Art Center fit....

...

A BIG P.S.: If you were one of the few people there, you have my heart in spades. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you.

Gallery Opening!

This. THIS is the reason there's been no blog activity for the last two months. 

The Rum River Art Center created this sandwich board for my upcoming event this Saturday in the Center's new little gallery. It gave me a shiver when I saw it.

"A Creativity of Muses." 

It will feature 'hand-drawn characters old and new, countenances that have inspired me, taught me, and occasionally frustrated me as I continue to learn, and some that have appeared like magic on my paper to lift me up and make me love drawing all over again.' So sayeth the blurb I wrote up for the Facebook event that I created.... (And I titled it thusly because I have no idea what a gathering of Muses is called, but if it's not a 'creativity', it dang well should be.)

As I type this, it's the Wednesday before the event, and I'm pretty ready for it, surprisingly. I've been gearing up for this ever since the beginning of the year, when I got brave, stepped out of my comfort zone, and asked director Larry Weinberg to set aside a month for me to share my work.

I could've had an opening at the Art Center ages ago but I kept chickening out. For one thing, I can't understand why anyone would take time out of their Saturday to attend (especially a summer Saturday in July!). Also, I don't know how an opening works exactly, since I've never had one before.

Since the new little gallery was christened in January, I've attended a number of openings there and they've all been cookie-cut from the same dough: there's a guestbook, some wine, other light refreshments, maybe some live music, the local press, a speech from the artist about their work, and then some milling and chatting. The end. Not that that's BAD; I've attended other openings at other places in Minneapolis and St. Paul and they're like that, too. But try as I might, in my imagination I cannot insert myself and my work into a scenario like that. If I did, I'd feel like I was playacting at being an Artist-with-a-capital-'A' or something. (Don't anyone thump me upside the head right now, 'k?)

I procrastinated for the first couple months after agreeing to this, thinking that I could just do what I've always done and chicken out. But then July got closer and I began seeing references to my upcoming show online, and then I had to proof a Press Release, and then I knew there was no running away from this. So in earnest I began framing, creating, agonizing, rehearsing, and experiencing the gamut of crap that plagues me prior to sharing my work with others.

I once thought that sharing one's work was supposed to be an artist's big goal. You draw, share, and (hopefully) sell and make money so you can continue drawing and sharing, right?

But I quickly realized that artists create just to CREATE. Because we can't NOT create. And if we didn't share our work and (hopefully) sell it (instead of destroying it or giving it away or something) we'd eventually be buried alive under our mountains of creativity and then our kids would have to deal with it all after the funeral.

And it's that 'sharing and (hopefully) selling' part that's torture. At least it is for me.... It's why I procrastinate, agonize, knuckle down at the last minute, and force myself to show up for the first weekend of Fest. I love Fest! But that is definitely not the part I love. But it IS the part I have to put up with in order to continue to do what I do.

I'm blathering, aren't I?

Anyway....

During all my preparations, I realized I'd have to eventually frame things. And the expense of going all fancy and having my work professionally framed scared the poop out of me! Especially since I have very little money and it'd take more than one frame to fill up the smallish gallery space. I wrung my hands about it, too, until one day when I was musing on money and capitalism and landfills and waste and everything else that gives me hives and makes me drink these days, I got the big idea to re-purpose already existing frames for this show. 

So I visited some thrift stores and stocked up on custom-framed work that already included mats and hangers. And then I removed the art and replaced it with my own.... 

In some cases, the frame was cool and the mat was cooler but nothing I had fit into it. And that's when I created new art. Art to fit. 

The act of doing this was like rocket fuel to me. I'd been given a strict set of limitations, and instead of shackling me they inspired me. I was reminded of the creative breakdown I once worked through by limiting myself to gray paper, colored pencils, and only drawing from imagination to create the 50 Fae that changed my life and my style. Like that time, these results made my socks go up and down!

In the weeks leading up to this opening I've kept the particulars about my show a secret, sharing bits and 'sneak peeks' about my new stuff online, trying to create anticipation and interest. I've kept it from James as well, and my hope has always been to hang the work myself in private and unveil it The Day Of so that even the folks at the Art Center itself are surprised by what they see and discover. (This veil of secrecy is vital. If I'd been sharing it all willy-nilly, then who'd show up, anyway? They'd already have seen the show....)

But I realized quickly that I need help getting it all to come together. So last night I shared my new creations with James instead of making him wait to be ‘surprised’ on Saturday. The big reveal was anticlimactic. And the result was that afterwards I just ran out of steam. I listened to music a while, flipped through what frames I’ve currently got, studied them critically (what made me frame THAT??), gave up on the idea of having a special new piece I’d hoped to unveil on the Big Day (insert eye-roll emoji here; pretentious much??), and I just made myself clean up, lock up, turn off the lights, and go home before midnight for a change.

 

And now this morning I woke and immediately understood that I’m making myself sick about this weekend’s event. I keep changing my mind, and creating stuff at the last minute, and trying to be clever, and worrying about running out of time. So today I’ve asked myself to just STOP already. Take a deep breath. Quit thinking this is important and start thinking that this is just the first of many future gallery shows where I can share new work and have it displayed somewhere for a month where I don’t have to find a flippin’ place to store it…

And now here I am. And I’m sure this blog post is the result of me just being exhausted…. So maybe the rest of the week prior to the event should be about napping, reading a book, and taking a bath.

...

Check out the Rum River Art Center (at THIS link) to find out more about this non-profit organization and all the good it does to bring art into the community. And you can check out its new gallery, too (at THIS link), to read about upcoming shows. Thank you!