Preparing to be Captured -- Part Two

I owe you an update on my last post of the Old Year, don't I? And I also owe you an apology for not writing hard and heavy about my Fest Season and the months that followed. So much Magick happened, of course, and I think I get overwhelmed then and just don't know where to start....

In any event, in that last post of 2018: two weekends of Fest remaineth, I was nervously preparing to be photographed at some point, I'd just Amazon Prime'd myself a costume dress so I could look like a girl in the pic if I wished, and I was learning that the weekend of the shoot would be the first iffy-weather one of the season.

So I packed layers and costume pieces and choices. I practiced my smile....

Then Saturday dawned COLD. I'd slept in a sleeping bag on my shop floor the night before and I swear when I woke that my bones were ice. I needed layers, so I opted for shapeless 'boy clothes' -- long-sleeved shirt, jerkin, leather vest, wool coat, leggings, boots, the works. I loved the look and I felt confident! But I'll admit: although black is my favorite color, it probably doesn't allow for a great picture.... (Except for that one above: a selfie put through the Prisma app. I love it.)

The day got busy and time passed and I forgot about the possibility of being photographed. And when I did remember, I rather hoped that Mr. Edwards had secretly taken his pic from afar so that I was totally unaware....

Although he insisted that he could make our shoot 'painless', when he did arrive I fell apart inside -- instantly filled with anxiety -- and the brief little session was everything I'd feared.

Stand here.
Turn this way.
Look at me.
Chin down.
Slight smile.
Give me 'coy.'

Ugh; I was my own worst enemy! I brought the anxiety, I brought the awkwardness....

Maybe it's the posing that breaks me? Maybe it's having to look right at the lens? Once finished, he turned the digital camera window to me and said, "See how nice this is?" as he zoomed in on my face. I already had my hands over my eyes. I couldn't look....

What was I so afraid I'd see, anyway? A panicked person trying to hide from the lens? The little girl who always looked so freaky in school pics?

I don't like this about myself. I've been this way FOREVER. Photo Day at school was almost as anxiety-inducing as Vaccination Day, and the resulting snaggle-toothed pics that the teacher would show off (with glee, I swear) in front of the class was proof positive that the camera and I were NOT friends....

Photo taken by and courtesy of Sarah D. Butcher

Not long ago, my Eldest (who takes amazing pics) took some candid shots of my parents together and made one into a large canvas print for them as a Christmas gift. Because she lives so far away she couldn't be there when they unwrapped it. But I was. Mom took one look at that photo and laughed her lungs out. Laughed so hard she cried! And then when she caught her breath again there were comments along the lines of, "Good gawd, what a sight!" and "Imagine having to look at THAT in the mirror every day, haha!"

I was CRUSHED.... Because when I saw that photo it brought tears to my eyes. Suddenly I  wanted to grab it from Mom, rescue the woman in that pic, shelter her from the laughter, and bring her home where I could look at her with love. Like she deserved.

Mom couldn't look at her own face in that photo without cringing and laughing with embarrassment. What was so funny, so cringeworthy about that face? Did mom look at herself and see her mother? And was that so bad?....

These are ALL my face. And that's OK.

I swear to God at the time I did not see myself in that moment. But I do now.... Just recalling it as I type brings to the forefront all the feels and confusion and tangles and knots about my relationship with my face and how I imagine others see it.

And what I'm learning could fill another blog post.

And maybe it will someday....

Mr. Edwards visited my shop on the final Fest weekend. "Well, you're off the hook," he said. "I didn't like any of the pics." Part of me wanted to say, "I told you so," but I didn't. I was secretly relieved, though.

He promised to return that final Sunday for another try but didn't make it out to Fest again before the season ended, and that's OK. Because between now and next season, my face and I have some inner work to do.
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Odd Narwhal is my Spirit Animal

Someone had just one job. And unless this is a special licensed cartoon character that I'm unfamiliar with, they failed.

But Odd Narwhal doesn't care!

This toy and I ran across each other recently while I was looking for deals in a calendar store at the mall that is busy selling off its stock before pulling up stakes and moving on.

Is this a character from a cartoon? Was it simply assembled haphazardly in the factory? Is it unaware of its freakydeaky-ness? Is it cheery BECAUSE of it? I wonder....

And I love that there are little heart sparkles in its eyes, as if it couldn't be more pleased with itself, and its oddness, and Life, and its discounted price tag, and the fact that it's still on the shelf after the Holidays....

I've decided it will be the metaphor for my New Year. And I've decided that I may just have to return to the calendar store and rescue it (should it still need rescuing).

Smile on, Odd Narwhal! I applaud you! And I dub thee my spirit animal for 2019.

And in the New Year may we all proudly display and celebrate our individuality, our unique qualities, our put-together-wrong-ness with big smiles and heart sparkles.
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Yesterday's Commute

 My walk to 'work' yesterday was filled with magick....

I witnessed a little mob of starlings in a treetop and enjoyed their crazy, freeform mutterings.

I did not slip on any ice! (Hooray!)

Everyone I passed ignored me completely, even after I said 'hello' (what's up with that??), except for a wizened man (who looked like he was a hundred years old) who stopped me with his toothless smile, pointed at ducks on the river, said, "Aren't they BEAUTIFUL?", grinned and wished me a happy new year, and then shuffled on. (He was a gnome, I'm sure of it.)

There was a man and his dog in the snow, playing with a frisbee, and the dog was having the time of its life.

Leaves, leaves, leaves.

And clouds!

And the sounds of dripping, melting icicles.

And shadows....

And a studio that hasn't seen me for a bit.

And some FaceTime with this faraway grandbug. 

Due to a sudden poor connection partway through our computer visit, my face was frozen on her screen, and it remained so until the end of our conversation. 

As we said our goodbyes I was hesitant to throw her a kiss (as is our custom) because I wasn't sure she'd know when to catch it. And when I told her this, she just laughed and said,

"Oh, Yaya! I will catch anything you throw at me!" 

See? MAGICK.

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First Weekend Eve of the New Year

Coral-hued clouds. Blue
shadows on snow. Weeping icicles...
Feels like spring.
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Happy New Year!

The new year already!? Wasn't I just wishing you a happy 2018?

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO? Wow....

And that picture? Where I'm smiling and celebrating my laughlines? That is misleading, because it was taken way before I crashed and burned during the holiday.

Because I know how much I hate to read downer posts, I won't subject you to one. But I will say that I'm resembling that photo more and more as the moments pass, and by tomorrow I hope to be making that face again. (...wings crossed!...)

So I'll just wind this up by saying that I hope the new year is great for us all. May it be everything we need it to be.

May those brutal goodbyes be few. And may there be many amazing new hellos!

And may we all get to be as creative as we desire without having to worry about money or healthcare or how clean our house is.

CHEERS.

I love you.
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