But there's no getting around the fact that a big part of me has gone AWOL since my return. It's the part that exists between my imagination and my hands. Maybe it's my shadow. And even though months have passed since my Adventure I'm still trying to catch that elusive connection and sew it back onto myself. But it's hiding somewhere in Derbyshire and doesn't want to be found....
Life continues on in spite of Adventures, and things have been rollercoastery here since my return. So much so, that I've yet to nail down a lot of what I experienced there. And then I lost almost all of the photos I took! And then I grieved. Losing my shadow just seemed like part of the trauma. And it wasn't until well after Fest that I began to really worry about it.
As always, it helps to write, but drawing still seems out of the question. Why, exactly?? I wish I knew.... I begin a sketch and want to wreck it right away. I feel like a toddler with a big fat crayon and little clumsy hands, like I haven't the skills to execute all the Amazing that I see in my head.
This has to be overcome. Now. Months have passed! Folks depend on me. I have work to do!
I promised myself I'd begin this new year with some attitude. Tell myself that I won't stand for this any longer, no excuses, pick up that pencil and make a mark, scribble if that's what it takes! And I might just find out that what's been struggling to surface is the experience of my Big Adventure. There has to be a reason my shadow is still far away, right? Losing my mind/hand connection immediately upon my return from England can't be a coincidence....
And maybe by stepping off the rollercoaster here and focusing intently on my memories of there I can reconnect my two halves and feel like myself again....
Myself. Only different. Because Me-Before-England doesn't exist any longer. And I have yet to really try on and walk around in Me-After....
*blink*
(Sounds of crickets chirping)
Well, huh....
This could be interesting.
...
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