It's Already 'Day Whatever'

I'm not on top of things today....

I wasn't yesterday either.

My plan was to paste a smile on my face and try to help get myself and the rest of us through this with pictures of puppies and quotes about 'hanging in there.' And two days into it all I kind of crashed....

It doesn't help that my brain cells have been hyper-preoccupied right now, trying to see the Big Picture and get a perspective on it. (Bottom line? They are over-feckin-whelmed....)

A friend explained that I'm in shock and experiencing grief for the demise of the old Normal. It made sense. I'm flailing around, trying to develop a new routine and make sense of it.

Maybe it would help if a Caribou barista hooked me up with enough Earl Grey Lemon Tea Lattes for the remainder of this thing.

And if Morgan Freeman FaceTime'd with me daily so that I can be reassured by his calming voice....

I need to know that all my people are OK and will continue to be OK.

I need to clone enough versions of myself that I can be sitting with a cat on my lap, dreaming the days away, and lolling submerged up to my chin in a hot bath, all simultaneously.

I need all chocolate to be healthy and calorie free until further notice.

I need to win the lottery so I can share it with my family and friends who are out of work and worried sick right now.

I need to know that the important things aren't being FUBAR'd by Those In Charge.

I need my bills to take care of themselves.

And I need everyone to vote their asses off come November....

My original plan to maintain a positive online facade during this shutdown was silly of me. In real life I'm about as positive as Eeyore's mother, and these unusual times have kicked my anxiety levels to new heights. But I swear my heart was in the right place! And seriously?, there are SCORES of folks out there with online businesses and blogs and capabilities, all offering to do just what I'd hoped to do: cheerfully try to help us through this. One less isn't going to make any difference, is it?

I'm so grateful for them all.

Know what else I'm grateful for? The thought that there is someone somewhere at the other end of this post right now.

Stay well for me, please, ok? And hang in there. I'm thinking about you.
...me.
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My First Ever Art Crawl

The North Artists Studio Crawl occurs this weekend. I've wanted to be a part of it for years, and now I am, and I invite you to attend. 

But I won't be displaying and sharing the kind of work I normally create. I'll be sharing something so close to my heart that I find it hard to talk about....

For at least a year I've felt 'called' upon to draw faces on leaves. It began not long ago when things like climate change and the current political administration began giving me anxiety attacks. Getting outside helped to calm me. And soon I was collecting leaves that 'spoke' to me and taking them home. 

Drawing faces on them soothed me. As I drew, I imagined each one absorbing my wishes for the planet (or the friend that was hurting, or the stranger that was afraid, etc.), and then I imagined it going on to spread its energy for Good as I released it back into the wild. (I originally wrote about doing this here: The Leafling Story. It was the start of something precious and humbling.)

For weeks now, in preparation for the Art Crawl, I've been creating leaflings like crazy, and then trying hard not to let them go. I've also begun to frame them. (Have I told you that it's been suggested that I frame them?)

I love how they look framed, and I think others will love them, too. But it's not been easy for me. By putting them under glass I feel like I'm trapping them somehow! And I know it's silly for me to feel this way; well-meaning friends have assured me that their magick will still be free to escape to do its thing. Still, I'm not 100% convinced.

Up until this morning I was busy papering frames and adding little hangers. And now today I'm sort of anxious.... Maybe it's because for once I'm rather prepared instead of burning the midnight oil before a show. Whatever the reason, I feel like I'm circling a big old panic attack. Not about the crawl itself! I'm excited about the crawl! And right now I should be typing in all caps and exclamation points about how excited I am, seeing as how I've WISHED for this.

No, there's other stuff contributing today to my mood. Stuff that's out of my control. It's coming from all directions, and it's making me want to take the leaflings that I've worked so hard on and put so much magickal energy into, break their frames, and release them to the wind.

Which is why I'm at home today and not at the studio, vacuuming and organizing like I should be doing. It's the only way to keep them safe for the weekend....

Those leaflings have big jobs to do and they know it -- I've written before about why I now make them and what I think they're meant to accomplish -- and I swear I can hear them shouting to me all the way from their frames at the Rum River Art Center. They're reminding me of that creative soul in ICU right now, fighting for life. And the stranger battling deep depression. And the friend who just lost her son. And the loved one undergoing chemotherapy. And the people without hope, the butterflies fighting extinction, the bees wasting away, and the planet that's raging against the human inhabitants determined to harm it, and the fill-in-the-blank(s).... So, so, SO much healing work to do! And they want to get started....

It's a constant struggle for me to shut the door on all that breaks my heart. I know I have to. And some days are worse than others. Sadly, today is one of them, and it couldn't come at a worse time as I've got tons to do to prepare for this event. Yet, all I want to do right now is draw on leaves and let them go.... To feel like I'm helping somehow.

Perhaps that's why I'm typing this; sending out a silly distress signal in hopes that a few folks will see it, identify with me, and show up this weekend. Not to view my art, necessarily, or even see my corny little wonder-filled delightful sanctuary studio space. But to exchange a hug. 

And to help share and spread the magick by taking home a leafling*.

Yes, I know they're just leaves. But they're magick. I know they are.

*Deep shaky breath*

What a tangent! Forgive me. This post was originally supposed to be about the Event, about how great it will be, and about how pleased I am to be a part of it. 

That being said, here are some links to the North Artists Studio Crawl (HERE) and a map (HERE) so that you can either find me or avoid me (haha). Fourteen studios in the North Metro area (with 32 featured artists) will be open to the public both Saturday and Sunday, April 1st and 2nd, from 10AM to 6PM. All the artists are amazingly creative, talented, and WAY more emotionally stable than I am. I promise. 

And I promise, too, that I'll get a dang grip by the time I see you there.

I promise.

...

*P.S. My leaflings are available for adoption. YOU get to determine what one is worth to you. Don't worry; I won't put you on the spot. Instead, I will hand you a plain envelope. You are then welcome to put an amount you're comfortable with inside the envelope while I'm packaging up your leafling. It will all be anonymous. Unless you really want me to, I'll have no idea what's inside the envelope (or who's responsible for it) until after the day's over.... Fair? I think so. :)

A Little Update

I'm currently over my eyebrows in a watercolor class that I'm in absolute love with, taught by a beautiful friend whose amazing work makes my socks go up and down. I'm easily the slowest student in her online course, I'm sure, probably because I'm completely out of my element there (ACK! Color!). But I've chosen to temporarily forget all that I've taught myself over the years and become a blank canvas (pun intended) and start from absolute scratch, as if I'm finally in Art School learning the basics....

But this class isn't the topic of my post. (I promise to give it equal time here so you can see how things are going.) I watch the lessons online and do my homework during studio time so as to be completely uninterrupted by housework and pets and fill-in-the-blank. That's been my plan all along, anyway, but I find that I'm still frequently interrupted. Only this time by leaves....

I'm pretty sure I'm spending precious class time on them because I'm anxious as hell.... So much is going on in the world right now that I'm really really not OK with, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help. I don't even know how to help MYSELF. The best I can come up with is to just breathe....

So when the real world intrudes in my head, calling a halt and just breathing has been a helpful reboot of sorts. But then I have to pick up again with something soothing that I am comfortable and familiar with.

When I'm 'leafing' (just coined this now and it makes me smile), time stops and a conversation starts. It's a convo at its most basic, between me and Everything Else.... It's like the Universe or whatever takes over and creates while my overactive brain enjoys a break, just floating in an imagined blackness like an untethered astronaut staring at stars and listening to the sounds of her breath.... I need to be in that peace for a bit before I can start entertaining thoughts again. Which might also explain why my class progress is slow....

My leaves are getting the paint treatment now because my watercolors are front and center at this time. The results please and soothe me. And I want to share them with you. What do you think?

(P.S.: Since writing last, I've received all sorts of Studio Name feedback (thank you!!). And I've been holed up in my wonder-filled spot at RRAC, drawing/painting on leaves and contemplating my choices.)
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Focusing on Sparkles

Something on Facebook this morning triggered a full-blown case of the panics (dang anxiety....), so I've spent my day working hard to focus on sparkles. Here are a few of them:

• A decent night's sleep.
• Soft clothes! (And matching socks.)
• A long walk in the wintry wind.
• Wispy clouds across a robin's-egg sky.
• Hearing the mailman at my front door.
• A postcard from a dear friend.
• Cat on my lap, cockatiel at my shoulder, and a sleepy rattie in my pocket.
• Twilight shadows in a silent house....
• The hum of the fridge and the rhythm of the faux firelog.
• Mac-and-cheese thoughts of tonight's supper....
• The liquid jade color and sweet seafoam taste of my cup of matcha tea latte.
• Typing to YOU.

Love you, my friend. I hope your day has sparkles in it, too.

...

Over and Out (at least for a bit....)

Jesus....

I can't be on Social Media for a while. I just can't....

Is it just me, or is the whole world going to hell in a hamper?? First there was this story. Seriously? And then this story. Are you kidding me? Followed by this story. OK, now I'm DONE. Signing off for awhile.... I was only online this morning for a few minutes and that's just half of what my eyes saw, and I swear I didn't go looking for it.

Granted, it's already been a week full of What The Hell. But I was coping. And then this happened and I can't stop thinking about cartoonists being called out by name and brutally executed. Fellow artists! Murdered in the name of God. I can't wrap my head around it....

But I should probably talk about it. I have to do something or I'll burst into flame. Or disappear. The overwhelming weight of all this awfulness will crush me.

Thicker-skinned folks in my social circle have branded me the bleeding heart who plugs her ears and shuts her eyes and thinks 'rainbows' and 'unicorns' to keep from dealing with anything unpleasant. And I'll admit that's me. Absolutely.

But I wish it wasn't. I wish I could be the Angry One. Or the One Who Isn't Afraid to Speak Out. Or the One Who Makes a Difference. But I'm not. It all gets internalized.

And then I just get mad at myself for being so helpless. Do I really think that cute doodles of fairies and flowers is going to do anything, help anyone?? How can I think that what I do could ever make a difference?

Or -- wait a second -- is what I do just another way of me putting my head in the sand? How can THAT help anyone?? And how must it look when I post pics of fluffy bunnies and sassy fairies while everywhere the world is falling apart?

......Ugh....

And this is where things get squirrely for me, so I'll just walk away for a bit so I can deal somehow. Bury my head back in the sand.

But I appreciate being able to 'talk' to you.... Thank you for being out there somewhere.
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