It's Already 'Day Whatever'

I'm not on top of things today....

I wasn't yesterday either.

My plan was to paste a smile on my face and try to help get myself and the rest of us through this with pictures of puppies and quotes about 'hanging in there.' And two days into it all I kind of crashed....

It doesn't help that my brain cells have been hyper-preoccupied right now, trying to see the Big Picture and get a perspective on it. (Bottom line? They are over-feckin-whelmed....)

A friend explained that I'm in shock and experiencing grief for the demise of the old Normal. It made sense. I'm flailing around, trying to develop a new routine and make sense of it.

Maybe it would help if a Caribou barista hooked me up with enough Earl Grey Lemon Tea Lattes for the remainder of this thing.

And if Morgan Freeman FaceTime'd with me daily so that I can be reassured by his calming voice....

I need to know that all my people are OK and will continue to be OK.

I need to clone enough versions of myself that I can be sitting with a cat on my lap, dreaming the days away, and lolling submerged up to my chin in a hot bath, all simultaneously.

I need all chocolate to be healthy and calorie free until further notice.

I need to win the lottery so I can share it with my family and friends who are out of work and worried sick right now.

I need to know that the important things aren't being FUBAR'd by Those In Charge.

I need my bills to take care of themselves.

And I need everyone to vote their asses off come November....

My original plan to maintain a positive online facade during this shutdown was silly of me. In real life I'm about as positive as Eeyore's mother, and these unusual times have kicked my anxiety levels to new heights. But I swear my heart was in the right place! And seriously?, there are SCORES of folks out there with online businesses and blogs and capabilities, all offering to do just what I'd hoped to do: cheerfully try to help us through this. One less isn't going to make any difference, is it?

I'm so grateful for them all.

Know what else I'm grateful for? The thought that there is someone somewhere at the other end of this post right now.

Stay well for me, please, ok? And hang in there. I'm thinking about you.
...me.
...

Dark Autumn (and Baby Steps)

Oops....

I haven’t written since Fest, have I? 

My excuse is always that so much happens there that I get overwhelmed when I try to tell you about it; I just don’t know where to start. (If you're wondering? It was a good season for me. And I learned a lot about myself, as always.)

Perhaps I should hunt down my notebook, the one in which I jot down EVERYTHING that happens there so I don't forget, and then take the time to pen an entry for each day of the show, highlighting all the incredible magic that occurs there at Mayfaire.

Because then perhaps I can describe for once just how incredibly overwhelming (and overstimulating) a season there can be. And it starts like a storm First Weekend, and there’s no time to recover until the whole dang crazy tempest is over for the season. 

And then by the time I’m ‘myself’ again, my glorious October is almost over. Halloween is just seconds away and I’m unprepared! And then trick-or-treating comes, goes, and is gone for the year and I’m too tired to stay awake until midnight to savor the last little pumpkin spice (and pomegranate) bits, and the next day it’s like ‘anything Halloween’ is poison to me. Like anything Christmas-y is the day after Christmas…. 

But I love the grays and browns and introspection of November just as much as I love the fiery colors of October. And as long as the snow stays away until December I’ll at least have a few weeks of Dark Autumn to enjoy. 

So here’s to November. And to the days of Dark Autumn.

And thanks for reading. It feels good to write to you again.

...

For YOU from ME

This little post
Has 'you' written all over
It. Because
Not a day goes by that I don't
Keep you in my heart, hold you
In my thoughts, and wish only
Nice things for you. Please
Give yourself the gentlest and warmest

Of hugs and be extra kind to yourself, OK?
For

You are one
Of my cherished readers! And for you I am
Unbelievably grateful.

...delayne.

My Head is Gonna Explode....

Thinking about you. Thinking about LIFE. Thinking about the planet. Thinking about EVERYthing.

So. Much. Thinking....

When the *boom* comes, it'll be epic....

When James came home early yesterday and found me staring into space, lost in some big-ass thoughts, he found me my shoes and my keys and my cap, pointed me in the direction of the studio, and sent me on my way. I'd been home for four straight days, trying to tidy up around here because there's just so much that needs doing. But even though I started out strong, I petered out fabulously and was pretty much just walking around in circles by that time, putting stuff in places where it didn't belong.

It doesn't help that there's the usual outdoorsy stuff now (garden tasks, chicken chores, etc.). In addition to the spring house- and yardwork, there's also the non-stop, stressful, Big News (every day's a new crisis!). Way too much to take in and process; my poor head's all over the map! So hiking to the studio yesterday was apparently just what I needed.

It was late in the day and the rush-hour traffic was loud, but I was able to ignore it as I walked slowly along the river in the shade of enormous cottonwoods, stopping to collect leaves and maple keys and to appreciate the spirea in bloom.... The art center was dark and silent when I arrived. I unlocked the door, breathed in the heady fragrance of paper and creativity, and sighed a big sigh. Of contentment, maybe. Relief.... In the few hours that I was there, I did nothing more than add to my sketchbook, really. (And it revealed to me some surprises, as always. Thank you, blank paper, for all that you do....)

And now today I'm ready. As soon as I press the 'publish' button on this entry, my shoes will be on their way again. North along the river walk, through the colorful tunnel, past the Four Silos and across the overpass, to the art center. To my Safe House, my sanctuary, my place where the world can't find me.

May I never ever run out of rent money. Ever.
...

Dear You

So much to tell you,
So much to share....
And I will; I promise.
But for the moment I need
A bit more pencil time,
A bit more Autumn,
A bit more silence
(No -- a LOT more silence)
Until I can find my words.
I hope that's OK....

Love,
...me.

Hello Again

Having a Day....

I drew this days ago. When things were painful but less bleak....

Dear You,

I'm shooting from the hip today.... Typing without thinking, really. Typing as a form of coping.

You should be forewarned that I'm physically feeling poorly, which isn't helping my mood. (For the record, Shingles SUCK. And go ahead and add a nasty sinus-and-fever-and-cough-related thingy on top of them. I'm pathetic.) Plus, I've been dealt an emotional blow, which isn't helping either.... As a result, I've spent my awake moments today wondering What The Effing Hell.

I'd sob if I didn't think it'd make my head explode....

This mood will pass, I know. Tomorrow will be better. And I'll spare you by not welcoming you into my Mind Dump (no Palaces here...) so you can see for yourself what craziness has contributed to this fall running leap down the rabbit hole. 

Instead, do this for me (please): give yourself a hug, think of a special time when we had fun together or got into mischief together or fill-in-the-blank together (not that time when we pissed each other off….). Smile. Give yourself another hug (from me). And -- above all -- take gentle care of yourself.

I don’t tell you enough how much I heart you, do I? But please know that you are always in my thoughts. And you mean the world to me. 

Now turn off the computer and go look at the clouds.

Love,
...me.

.