Preparing to be Captured

A long LONG time ago I was brave, apparently

I follow him on social media and I read his posts, but last weekend was the first time I've spoken at length to Larry Edwards, one of our photographer regulars at Fest.

He visited primarily to offer his concern for something negative that happened in my shop the previous weekend (I suffered the downside of my Pay What You Wish idea.... it happens....) and had planned to purchase some art, and I suggested we trade: my work for his work.

And this weekend that might happen....

Rarely do I ever take a good photo. I think I'm allergic to camera lenses! I'll admit that it's not so bad now when all folks are pointing at me is a cellphone, but when someone who knows what they're doing points a badass lens at me, I immediately turn into Awkward Woman.

One of my Eldest's photos

My Eldest once took pics of me at Fest at the end of a cloudy day, while crowds were sparse and both of us were bored. Maybe I was tired. Maybe my sales were under par. In any event, I couldn't seem to smile much. I didn't care that the lens was staring me down. I didn't even care what I looked like....

But those PHOTOS! When I saw them afterward they took my breath away! Maybe it was because I trusted her and was comfortable with her? (Could it possibly be because she's female? Hmm....) Anyway, I swear I'd use them now for everything if I wasn't 20 years older than I was then....

Not so long ago, I participated in a photoshoot with a dear Fest friend who was having pics taken for a future book. I'd never done anything like that before, and the experience was surreal. Someone actually 'styled' me! But it was all fun and games (just acting natural with others in a group setting) until I was singled out and asked to pose.

I'll admit I have zero interest in The Spotlight. Even coached gently by my friend (who has TONS of experience with this!) I felt awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe vulnerable is a better word? All I know is that I'd rather have been enduring a root canal at that moment, and all I could think of was how I was disappointing my friend....

Twig the Fairy -- THIS is that friend!

I never once asked that photographer to show me what he'd taken. And when the book was published, I anxiously looked for myself in it. There I was, in a group photo, hiding behind my hand. No one would ever know it was me! (*whew!*)

This week, Mr. Edwards sent me a message: "Wear makeup this weekend if need be; let's shoot."

And I panicked.

The first thing I did was order a frippin' overdress in my post-menopausal granny-body size. Then I practiced making myself up to look 'glamorous.' Then I haunted the mailbox until the dress arrived, tried it on, saw that it FIT, breathed a sigh of relief!

But now today I'm taking a step back....

The hell am I doing!?

Mr. Edwards is a professional; his photos are incredible! And I'm a human bean; I look the way I look. And sometimes I even like the way I look.

James took this; it's not about my face maybe...

What would that future photo look like if I was just me? No makeup? (except eyebrows; I refuse to look like a sugar cookie in photos of myself....) Would I like it? Would it sadden me? Would I have to accept that THAT is the Real Me? Could I learn to be friends with that person? Come to terms with her? Embrace her?

Who knows if this will even happen. Fest is in its next-to-last weekend, things are brutal and busy now, and I'm the only one in my shop for most of the show day. I'd feel foolish if I glammed myself up and we weren't able to make the shoot happen. So how would it be if I just threw on my boy clothes and didn't care?

Hmmmm.

...to be continued...

Virtual Eraser in Hand....

I woke yesterday with a strong need to erase parts of myself and recreate them. Not the outside stuff, exactly. I like the age I am and the way I look. (Although I'd be happy to redraw new internal bendy parts and digestive bits, thank you....)

It's the Past I'd like to tweak. And the Little Girl I used to be. And the Clueless Adult she grew into. All the times she should've said no. The things she did for others without a thought for herself, and the relationships she chased in vain for validation. And the people she hurt because she was hurting....

And with that strong need to erase and recreate myself, I felt a giddy temptation to eradicate my online presence. Erase this blog, take down my Facebook fan page, close my Etsy store, everything....

Not sure why, exactly. Because I'm fine with how things are. No one's trolled me or hurt my feelings or anything. Just, suddenly, I wanted it swept clean so I could start again from the beginning (or even not start again at all). And I could half-imagine what my life would be like without this online connection. And the feeling was nice....

Please don't think this has anything to do with Wonderful You. You're my beloved reader, my single awesome fan! The special person who watches my videos and comments on my posts and 'likes' my updates and shares my Tweets and 'hearts' my Instagrams and buys my Etsy stuff.... It'd be rather selfish of me to disappear after you've spent your precious time online being my friend and giving me a follow....

Perhaps I just need to step away from the computer for a bit. Get out of my head. Quit being influenced by Perfect Others online. Take a break, refresh, and return when I feel like myself again.

A sweet friend agreed I should do just that but suggested that before I 'go' I leave you this message (or something like it):

"I'm off gathering inspiration and will be back sometime in the future. In the meantime, I hope you find magic in the everyday events surrounding you. I look forward to hearing about it when I return!"

Sounds intriguing, doesn't it? Like the person who wrote that packed up their magick pencils, grabbed their cloak, hopped on their broomstick, and set off on a Grand Adventure. 

I wonder what she did, where she went, what she saw? I wonder how it all changed her into the new-and-improved being she's so desperate to become?

Hmmmm....... (*pleasant sigh*)

Even I look forward to hearing about it. 

~delayne.
...

Happy Solstice

It's less than a handful of days before Christmas here in Minne-snow-tah, and there's NO SNOW. I'm having a heckuva time getting into the spirit....

Feeling a bit desperate today, I tried wrapping gifts while listening to instrumental holiday music. I enjoyed some eggnog, took a bite or two (or ten) of peanut brittle, and even threw a top hat on my wraith -- "Old Blue Eyes" -- and dubbed him the Ghost of Christmas Future. But his Dickens vibe still didn't put me over the edge. And Dickens always puts me over the edge at Christmastime....

There were cards in the mail and brown paper packages (sans string) on the doorstep. And snow could be smelled on the air....

Still.... No 'holly jolly.'

I stood for a long moment at the front door and breathed in the scents of woodsmoke and the promise of snow. Twilight had come early in tints of slate and lavender. My Little Free Library was a shadow at the curb. Rowanberries trembled on their branches in the chilly December gusts, while a rabbit sheltered beneath the tree in a stand of frozen coneflower heads.... 

Suddenly I got it. And gone were thoughts of Burl Ives and Toys R Us and Amazon Wish Lists and whether or not I should schedule a haircut before Christmas. I'd been focusing on the wrong stuff.

(*Deep breath*)

So now I pour myself a glass of wine and raise a toast to that rabbit, that twilight, those shadows and wintry scents. And to you.

May the season wrap you in its wintry arms and fill your heart and spirit with peace. Happy Solstice.

Love,
...me.

Who IS This Girl??

I'm interrupting the neverending studio overhaul today to go on an adventure. It's one I've gone on multiple times before so it's not like I'm stepping completely out of my comfort zone. Still, today's adventure is Twilight Zone surreal. And only because I'm experiencing no worrisome thoughts, no physical pain, no crazy ADD, no unnecessary stress, no head-all-over-the-map, no usual fill-in-the-blank.

So who IS this perfectly peaceful creature? This contented character? And what has she done with me?? And how can I get her to stick around long enough to show me how to bottle this moment??

Because this. NEVER. Happens. #LovingLifeAndFeelingPerfect

...

Chaos Reigns (as Usual)

This old, buried-in-the-mess pic pretty much sums up how I feel....

Oh, the self loathing....

Since I wrote last I've been up to my earholes in what was supposed to be a quick studio clean-up. But it's now Day 6 and the room's nowhere near being functional.

It's my own fault; I let it get this way. And I know now that I can't help it. Still, understanding this doesn't make me like the situation (or myself) any better....

Although I'm proud of myself for taking this on and (so far) hanging in there, I hate that I'm the type of person who doesn't know how to keep things from getting to this point in the first place. And it disheartens me to realize that I live in a whole HOUSE that's like this now, with someone who is my equal in the Magpie Department. Not a win/win, I'm afraid. But I'm hoping that this first step will somehow set the snowball in motion. (Here's hoping the avalanche doesn't bury us both.)

I've always been this way. I was a messy and unorganized child, quiet and still on the outside but with a head full of Tasmanian devils. The mess in my wake must've been how I sorted them out? I dunno.... I do know that at any given moment my bedroom/school desk/locker/backpack/notebook/sketchpad looked like the aftermath of a cataclysmic disaster.

Just ask my mom. Out of anger and frustration she'd occasionally take a shovel to my room and gut it down to its bare bones. I'd go in there after the fact, see the newly unburied carpet and horizontal surfaces, and feel an odd combination of heartbreaking dismay and fierce gratitude. (I might've been in shock....;->) The picture perfectness of it took my breath away. Who lived HERE, I wondered! This girl has it all together, she's in control! But what did I know about her, really? Everything about her had been erased....

I swear all the pleasure of having an organized space lasted for about a minute. And then I'd begin to fill it up again.... And it's not like I even saw what I was doing either, until things were back the way they were. I'm guessing now that the clutter was 'safe,' somehow. It must've been necessary.

I know my mom probably attributed my frustrating messiness to 'laziness' on my part. But I think it had -- and still has -- something to do with how my head works. In my Mind Palace it's like a surreal episode of 'Hoarders' (x about a hundred....). No neat files for ME. Still, although it might take me a moment or more to find what I'm looking for, it's there.

Sometimes I dream of paring things down to a crazy minimum. Have a single set of clothes with a single set of pockets.... Art supplies? Forget it -- give me a stick so I can draw in the sand. Nothing to save, nothing to store, nothing to take care of.... Don't anyone let me near a cardboard box! I'd just fill it up.

But I would die from the simplicity of it all, I know it. The boredom would kill me. And before that happened, I suspect my thoughts would dry up and vanish until eventually my Mind Palace was empty -- no longer palatial but a single little room, until that, too, was gone. And then it'd be like I never was....

....?....

....*Thinking*....

Well, huh....

Something tells me there's a big, invisible Triceratops somewhere in all this mess, and I've just stubbed my toe on it.

Guess it's back to work for me.
...

The Magic of Mail

The folks at Punchbowl (who supply the info for my Let's Party! blog widget) tell us that today is 'Thank a Mailman Day,' and you can read all about it by opening this link or scrolling down the righthand side of this blogpage.

Learning about 'Thank a Mailman Day' today made my heart do a little wiggle. Because I seriously love mail. Love it! Even the typewritten word gives me palpitations; it suggests handwritten secrets and sparkles and surprises. :)

Ever since I was little, mail has mesmerized me. I realized its awesome potential even before I could write my own name....