Preparing to be Captured

A long LONG time ago I was brave, apparently

I follow him on social media and I read his posts, but last weekend was the first time I've spoken at length to Larry Edwards, one of our photographer regulars at Fest.

He visited primarily to offer his concern for something negative that happened in my shop the previous weekend (I suffered the downside of my Pay What You Wish idea.... it happens....) and had planned to purchase some art, and I suggested we trade: my work for his work.

And this weekend that might happen....

Rarely do I ever take a good photo. I think I'm allergic to camera lenses! I'll admit that it's not so bad now when all folks are pointing at me is a cellphone, but when someone who knows what they're doing points a badass lens at me, I immediately turn into Awkward Woman.

One of my Eldest's photos

My Eldest once took pics of me at Fest at the end of a cloudy day, while crowds were sparse and both of us were bored. Maybe I was tired. Maybe my sales were under par. In any event, I couldn't seem to smile much. I didn't care that the lens was staring me down. I didn't even care what I looked like....

But those PHOTOS! When I saw them afterward they took my breath away! Maybe it was because I trusted her and was comfortable with her? (Could it possibly be because she's female? Hmm....) Anyway, I swear I'd use them now for everything if I wasn't 20 years older than I was then....

Not so long ago, I participated in a photoshoot with a dear Fest friend who was having pics taken for a future book. I'd never done anything like that before, and the experience was surreal. Someone actually 'styled' me! But it was all fun and games (just acting natural with others in a group setting) until I was singled out and asked to pose.

I'll admit I have zero interest in The Spotlight. Even coached gently by my friend (who has TONS of experience with this!) I felt awkward and uncomfortable. Maybe vulnerable is a better word? All I know is that I'd rather have been enduring a root canal at that moment, and all I could think of was how I was disappointing my friend....

Twig the Fairy -- THIS is that friend!

I never once asked that photographer to show me what he'd taken. And when the book was published, I anxiously looked for myself in it. There I was, in a group photo, hiding behind my hand. No one would ever know it was me! (*whew!*)

This week, Mr. Edwards sent me a message: "Wear makeup this weekend if need be; let's shoot."

And I panicked.

The first thing I did was order a frippin' overdress in my post-menopausal granny-body size. Then I practiced making myself up to look 'glamorous.' Then I haunted the mailbox until the dress arrived, tried it on, saw that it FIT, breathed a sigh of relief!

But now today I'm taking a step back....

The hell am I doing!?

Mr. Edwards is a professional; his photos are incredible! And I'm a human bean; I look the way I look. And sometimes I even like the way I look.

James took this; it's not about my face maybe...

What would that future photo look like if I was just me? No makeup? (except eyebrows; I refuse to look like a sugar cookie in photos of myself....) Would I like it? Would it sadden me? Would I have to accept that THAT is the Real Me? Could I learn to be friends with that person? Come to terms with her? Embrace her?

Who knows if this will even happen. Fest is in its next-to-last weekend, things are brutal and busy now, and I'm the only one in my shop for most of the show day. I'd feel foolish if I glammed myself up and we weren't able to make the shoot happen. So how would it be if I just threw on my boy clothes and didn't care?

Hmmmm.

...to be continued...