Thursday, January 14, 2016

My Thoughts Today are Far Away

2016 has begun to be the year about passings. But it had a head start. 2015 was pretty much a downer too.... 

And now that I think about it, 2014 had its moments. And it's been going on like this forever, hasn't it?.... Since time began.... Maybe now that I'm old I'm just noticing it more. 

My poor parents; I was aware of Death at a very early age and was traumatized by the thought of it. I felt Death constantly eyeing me from a distance, but back then at least it stalked me from afar. 

Death dreams began at an early age, too. Very real and vivid. I can still remember them. And every time I woke from one I was sad and couldn't explain why. I hadn't the words to describe what had happened in my sleep, only the lingering feelings of freedom and peace and relief, and the longing I had of capturing the memory of those feelings before they'd slip away so that I could replay it again whenever I was afraid of dying. Which was immediately, of course. Dreams may be remembered, but feelings in dreams just disappear.... 

Losing my grandfathers at a young age both hurt and helped. It was comforting to know that Death now had someone with him that I recognized, someone who'd be there to catch and hug me if (still wasn't mature enough to think in terms of 'when') the ride came to an end.

As an adult with kids and problems and jobs and not enough hours in the day, I didn't think about Death much. I was too busy. Yes, we'd meet at the occasional funeral and nod to each other like distant acquaintances, but those times were blessedly few and far between. There were no Death dreams like before. I did dream of dead loved ones, however, and they were always eager to allay my fears, and that helped. But only until I woke....

But now that I’m approaching my 60th birthday I feel like Death has parked a trailer in my backyard and waves hello to me every time I look out the window….

I hate that.

But I'm kind of getting used to it.

Nevermind nodding pleasantly to each other; occasionally now we even chat. I can look into his face and be OK with what I see there. And sometimes we can even joke and laugh together. The fact that he's taken to dressing like an old friend instead of the Ghost of Christmas Future has helped TONS, of course.

Know what else helps tons? There are so many familiar figures now at the end of that ride to catch and hug me when it ends.

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