Maybe This is It....

I’ve posted very little in this horrible year of 2020. My blog's been completely inactive, probably because the world right now defies description, and I have been (and continue to be) unable to put on a smileyface mask and write words of hope and encouragement.

So today I went online to delete it. And then I noticed some unfinished posts.... Rereading them reminded me that back at the sort-of beginning of this horrible year I was almost hopeful. And this amuses me. Because I am not hopeful now.

My last published post was at the beginning of the Pandemic lockdown here in my state. On March 20th I wrote:

"I noticed yesterday that there were no idling diesel trucks or muffler-problematic vehicles revving up and roaring down the street outside my window between 5 and 6:30 a.m.

And the constant drone and twice-daily Rush Hour roar of nearby Hwy 10 couldn't be heard from my house.

An actual bird woke me! And it wasn't my screaming cockatiels or my little roo 'Dash'....

Today was the same.

And I woke and was immediately grateful for it."

I remember entering that state lockdown period feeling anxious and apprehensive, but also ready to pitch in and do my part. Here was my chance to prove that I could be a team player like folks of the Greatest Generation, with my mask and my victory garden and my yeastless bread recipes! And I'd be online every day with something positive and hopeful to share so that others would be inspired to hang in there, too, and stay the course! And I'd blog about the quarantine so that my grandkids and their grandkids can someday read a firsthand account of these Interesting Times!

That was my plan. My big plan.

Five days later, on March 25^th, I began a post that I never published, and I'm not sure why, unless I crashed and burned shortly after typing it.... I wrote:

"I dreamed last night that the Darkness tasted us and was repelled by the intensity of our colors, our creativity.

It reached out its tendrils and tasted us all but couldn't compete with our dance, our musicmaking, our storytelling, our laughter. It shrank from our voices raised in song. It cringed away from our colorful creations.

The Earth needs an infusion of our creative energies right now, so let's do it ALL, use our voices, tell our stories, move our bodies, wear our colors, make our art.

I dreamed last night that color will get us through this."

I still believe that Creative People will get us through this -- not just the Pandemic, but also the current political climate and all the hurtful stuff it's caused. 

But less than a week after writing that post, I wrote another that went on to languish in my Drafts folder (until today). On March 30^th, I wrote:

"My community is either stupid or in denial. 

I checked a moment ago online and there are comments upon comments on a neighborhood message board asking folks in the area to please not congregate in big groups, to which others responded that we should quit panicking and over-reacting, to get off our ‘high horse’ and stop taking this whole thing so seriously. 

Some info there tells me that there are at least ten cases in the area, and the local hospital is already asking for handmade facemasks to help add to their already short supply. (Even the local newspaper had an article about it….) Way to help lessen the curve, Anoka – keep dismissing the quarantine while the ER steadily fills…. 

And what am I doing? I should be on top of that sewing, shouldn’t I? I should be making facemasks. 

I should be drawing cheery chalk pics on my driveway and painting cheery spring art on my front window so people out for a walk can walk away with a smile…. 

I should be livestreaming myself making art so others can join me. 

I should be sending thank you messages to everyone out there on the ‘front lines’ keeping business going as normally as possible. 

I should be keeping a quarantine diary for future generations. 

I should be joining an online art community, making a painting a day during this isolation period. 

I should be doing a lot of things. But I’m not. 

Because I’m tired. Exhausted, really. I’ve got nuthin’. I can’t even draw…."

Well, WOW. That happened fast.... 

It'd been what? DAYS? And already my own neighbors were resisting science and making those of us diligently doing our part to keep our community safe feel like assholes. It was so hard to believe!

But what was even harder to believe (to the point of heartbreak and grief) was that among their ranks were fellow graduates, friends I've known and loved since childhood, even members of my own family. What was happening? I thought I knew these people....

Two months later, on May 20th, I wrote this:

"Don't laugh...

But I think I may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I know that sounds dramatic, but I don't know what else to call it. I've experienced something similar before and it was frippin' traumatic, but it was at a turbulent time in my life and I didn't get a lot of positive support then. Even now, Family refers to that period as The Time I Got So Sick. (The first time that was used in a conversation, I had no idea what anyone was talking about. And then when I did, I felt awful that the people I love felt like they could only talk about it by dipping it in layers of euphemism.)

Because of that Time I Got So Sick I think I can recognize it when it happens again. But this time it came out of nowhere. I'm doing All The Things: eating right, drinking lots of water, taking my meds, getting sunshine and fresh air and exercise and LOTS of sleep. I'm even managing not to pickle myself with alcohol (one of my coping mechanisms) because I know being inebriated FEELS like it's helping (there is nothing better than reaching that point where the noise is silenced and the imagination feels like it can just let go and float away....), but it's not.

Unlike last time, I now have a pretty good support team. And I've been noticing occasional periods of cheerfulness that make me feel as though I've got this licked. The only thing missing is a therapist, and I can't even think about trying to navigate the healthcare system and try to set something up that's virtual right now because my whole world is weird.

This feels almost like a PTSD experience, a reaction to Global Trauma or something. And because I am cocooned from everything right now -- seeing no one, not even creating -- I feel like I am in freefall...."

Well, that was a lifetime ago. Correction: four months ago, LOL, but it sure feels like a lifetime ago.... And everything's just gotten worse. WORSE. I cannot even begin to describe it! And it's not just the Pandemic, it's EVERYTHING. And blanketing it all is a divided America hell bent on destroying itself while the president and his evil administration eggs it on.

And what am I doing during this unbelievably awful time? I could've been and could still be someone uplifting, a light in all of this despair and darkness. I could be creating little joyful Leaflings and sending them out into the world to spread good energy. I could be making art and giving it away just to make a fellow human -- perhaps one who is as despondent and despairing as I am -- smile right now. 

But I am not.

It feels like the end of the world. Like the end of human kindness. Like the end of human sanity.

It's not. And I know this. But it certainly FEELS like the end....

...

Today It's the Little Things

I noticed yesterday...

...that there were no idling diesel trucks or muffler-problematic vehicles revving up and roaring down the street outside my window between 5 and 6:30 a.m.

And the constant drone and twice-daily Rush Hour roar of nearby Hwy 10 couldn't be heard from my house.

An actual bird woke me! And it wasn't my screaming cockatiels or my little roo 'Dash'....

Today was the same.

And I woke and was immediately grateful for it.

...

It's Already 'Day Whatever'

I'm not on top of things today....

I wasn't yesterday either.

My plan was to paste a smile on my face and try to help get myself and the rest of us through this with pictures of puppies and quotes about 'hanging in there.' And two days into it all I kind of crashed....

It doesn't help that my brain cells have been hyper-preoccupied right now, trying to see the Big Picture and get a perspective on it. (Bottom line? They are over-feckin-whelmed....)

A friend explained that I'm in shock and experiencing grief for the demise of the old Normal. It made sense. I'm flailing around, trying to develop a new routine and make sense of it.

Maybe it would help if a Caribou barista hooked me up with enough Earl Grey Lemon Tea Lattes for the remainder of this thing.

And if Morgan Freeman FaceTime'd with me daily so that I can be reassured by his calming voice....

I need to know that all my people are OK and will continue to be OK.

I need to clone enough versions of myself that I can be sitting with a cat on my lap, dreaming the days away, and lolling submerged up to my chin in a hot bath, all simultaneously.

I need all chocolate to be healthy and calorie free until further notice.

I need to win the lottery so I can share it with my family and friends who are out of work and worried sick right now.

I need to know that the important things aren't being FUBAR'd by Those In Charge.

I need my bills to take care of themselves.

And I need everyone to vote their asses off come November....

My original plan to maintain a positive online facade during this shutdown was silly of me. In real life I'm about as positive as Eeyore's mother, and these unusual times have kicked my anxiety levels to new heights. But I swear my heart was in the right place! And seriously?, there are SCORES of folks out there with online businesses and blogs and capabilities, all offering to do just what I'd hoped to do: cheerfully try to help us through this. One less isn't going to make any difference, is it?

I'm so grateful for them all.

Know what else I'm grateful for? The thought that there is someone somewhere at the other end of this post right now.

Stay well for me, please, ok? And hang in there. I'm thinking about you.
...me.
...

Day the Twoth (Tooth?)... (Tuesday, 3/17)

Happy St. Patrick's Day. Let's just get started, and I'll keep my rambling thoughts until the end of this post, 'k?

Here we go:

THREE THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT:
1.) A bright red geranium blooming in a sunny, lace-curtain-covered window.
2.) Rainbows on the ceiling courtesy of a crystal suncatcher.
3.) The song of a spring robin as it sings from a nearby tree.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"Every hand that we don't shake must become a phone call that we place. Every embrace that we avoid must become a verbal expression of warmth and concern. Every inch and every foot that we physically place between ourselves and another, must become a thought as to how we might be of help to that other, should the need arise... Let's stay safe. And let's draw one another closer in a way that we've never done before." ~Rabbi Yosef Kanefsky

A LITTLE SOMETHING:

Best mind the dust and cobwebs up there...

Your kiddos who are home from school during these Interesting Times might enjoy keeping tabs on the Leprechaun Watch site. Leprechaun Watch is a webcam hidden in a location in Ireland that straddles the border of a 'fairy ring' that is linked to an oak and a fairy tree on the Coogan family's ancestral farm. According to the site (and, I'm guessing, as quoted from a Coogan family member),

"The fairy tree is the last link the Fair Folk have to the larger range they once enjoyed when they ruled the land - their anger at this loss is understandable. We are monitoring the area in front of the oak because of leprechaun activity there in recent weeks and months."

Hmmm. Angry leprechauns? Do we want to be monitoring them?

You may have to refresh the screen occasionally. And there are even directions for how to capture an image if you think you've spotted an elusive leprechaun. Fun!

Another fun activity? Have them make a homemade leprechaun trap. Creative ideas are all OVER the internet, of course, and a trap can be made from anything from shoeboxes to LEGOs, sky's the limit.

Also, I just watched a gorgeous and charming animated film called "Song of the Sea." You can stream it and "The Secret of Kells" (another animated favorite) right now for under ten bucks. The visuals are stunning, as are the soundtracks. (The links will bring you to the trailers only, so you can see if they're something you're interested in before making the purchase....)

LET'S CELEBRATE:
Of course, it's St. Paddy's Day. And DaysoftheYear.com has this to say about it:

"[St. Patrick's Day] celebrations are generally themed around all things Irish and, by association, the colour green. Both Christians and non-Christians celebrate the secular version of the holiday by wearing green, eating Irish food and/or green foods, imbibing Irish drink and attending parades, which have a particularly long history in the United States and in Canada."

THIS. Absolutely amazing! I cannot recommend it enough.

So you know what to do!

Here at Tumbledown I've yet to begin any festivities. Both James and I are online and things are moving SLOW there, so I've not begun streaming any jigs or reels. (My stereo is ancient and the speaker connections are shot, so all my wonder-filled CDs are pouting right now, tapping their little feet in the wings....).

Past celebrations have included facepainting and green wearing and hair dyeing, but I'm not sure if I'll go that far today. I do have a corned beef, though. And my beloved cabbage and potatoes (or as chef Rory O'Connell calls them, "bidet-toes"). And there's a list online on IMDB called "Shamrock and Ginger" that includes, I swear, a bagillion Irish movies that I've never heard of before. Here on Coronavirus lockdown, I think St. Paddy's Day will become St. Paddy's MONTH as I make my movie list and hunker down.

LIFE HERE AT TUMBLEDOWN:
I was preoccupied yesterday with creating social media posts and keeping my spirits up, and it's only taken less than 24 hours for me to backslide a bit....

The TV was off all day until evening when the state Governor pre-empted the scheduled National News. And for some reason, hearing his voice just made me realize how 'more-serious-than-I-ever-imagined' this whole thing is. It stunned me at a time when I was all proud of myself for being on top of my anxiety.

And today began oddly anyway, as I'm still finding my feet having James here working from home. But I checked on my adult daughters and their families and found one happily enjoying audiobooks and mountainbiking and the other outdoors hunting for treasure with metal detectors. (IS THAT NOT COOL??) So that was soothing.... Granted, it's still early days, but my hope is that familial bonds everywhere will be strengthened right now.

Because everything's in a big old state of change. I pray every day that we come out of this (because we will) stronger and better and kinder and wiser as human beings.

Magick is afoot. And today I'll celebrate it. Slainte.

Love you,
...me.
...

Day the Oneth (Musings for Monday 3/16)

Cheers!

Wow, huh? 

Here we are…. Social distancing due to the Coronavirus outbreak....

With any luck, we’ll come out of this thing wondering what we were all so concerned about. And that’s how we’ll know that this social-distancing thing really worked.

Anyway, I've been trying to figure out how I can help somehow in my capacity as a penniless artist and a friend. So here's one thing I can do, I can share with you a bit of the email I send out daily to a number of followers. (Things don't format correctly if I copy and paste it all in its entirety here, so this is the best I can do.)

Here we go:

THREE THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT:
1. YOU are in my life.
2. We don't have to 'socially distance' ourselves here on social media.
3. We're all in this together.

SOMETHING FUNNY:

Someone on Facebook shared a drink recipe called ‘The Quarantini’ which is an adult beverage made from gin mixed with a packet of Emergen-C™. I’m thinking this is a joke, but I kinda want to try it!

LIFE HERE:

We live in interesting times. Last weekend was spent wrapping my head around the fact that my country is hunkering down right now. It was the weekend of the RumRiver Art-a-thon (remember last year?), but that was quickly canceled. Schools here in Minnesota have now closed. Local businesses are shuttered, many employees are working from home. 

Of course, art shows and other public events are being canceled by the handful. Spring faires and festivals on the Renaissance circuit are shutting down and so many of my friends are understandably worried. Since my own RenFest is still some months out, I’m hopeful that it will go on as planned, especially since we’ve all been told that this is the last season it will open on its current site. Feathers crossed!

So here we are. I’m calling this Day Oneth of the Virus Self-Quarantine. And I’ll be posting and sharing as necessary, making it all up as I go….

Stay healthy, everyone! I'll try to write more tomorrow.

Love you,

…me.

...

P.S. If you'd like to tune in and follow along on my other platforms, just search 'Mayfaireart' on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.