Having a Day....

I drew this days ago. When things were painful but less bleak....

Dear You,

I'm shooting from the hip today.... Typing without thinking, really. Typing as a form of coping.

You should be forewarned that I'm physically feeling poorly, which isn't helping my mood. (For the record, Shingles SUCK. And go ahead and add a nasty sinus-and-fever-and-cough-related thingy on top of them. I'm pathetic.) Plus, I've been dealt an emotional blow, which isn't helping either.... As a result, I've spent my awake moments today wondering What The Effing Hell.

I'd sob if I didn't think it'd make my head explode....

This mood will pass, I know. Tomorrow will be better. And I'll spare you by not welcoming you into my Mind Dump (no Palaces here...) so you can see for yourself what craziness has contributed to this fall running leap down the rabbit hole. 

Instead, do this for me (please): give yourself a hug, think of a special time when we had fun together or got into mischief together or fill-in-the-blank together (not that time when we pissed each other off….). Smile. Give yourself another hug (from me). And -- above all -- take gentle care of yourself.

I don’t tell you enough how much I heart you, do I? But please know that you are always in my thoughts. And you mean the world to me. 

Now turn off the computer and go look at the clouds.

Love,
...me.

.

Stepping Sideways Off the Path

I sense that foggy, cotton-wool feeling. The shadows on my periphery.

I expect to find my routine suddenly shaken, my mind on walkabout, the door to the rabbit hole ajar, and me about to slip inside and pull it closed over my head....

Maybe you're feeling like this, too?

At these times it helps me to write, but not necessarily to share (although I'll try to; perhaps if I do I'll even discover like-minded kindred souls Out There who can maybe identify....).

Facebook is out of the question. Facebook just annoys me when I'm like this, when I'm contemplating the rabbit hole.... It reminds me that there are folks in my world who aren't feeling lost and out of sync, folks like everyone else who are going about their normal lives watching cat videos and taking 'Which Jersey Shore Character Are You?' quizzes and posting pictures of their lunch.

Plus, I feel too exposed or something on Facebook.

But blogging might just work. I need to type; feel my fingers move. I'm safe here. It feels like a one-way connection. Like me just talking aloud to myself. And that's OK.

But, just to be on the safe side: if YOU'RE here, IF you're here, if you're reading this, please think kind thoughts, 'k? Tolerant, sensitive, open-minded thoughts. I don't mean to sound all woo-woo kookyheaded I'm-losing-my-mind (and I hope you're not taking it that way); I just need to open all three of my eyes, step sideways into the unknown, allow myself to be fairy-led, take notes, see what happens. I sense that I'm supposed to be learning something.... Something important....

And I can't do that if I'm spending all my time trying so hard to -- do what, exactly?? -- appear 'normal?' Act like a generic human bean? Not sure. All I know is that today my weird energies have reached some sort of zenith. (Could it have something to do with the Equinox?) Even my dreams have been out-there exotic, so there's no 'sleeping it off' for me.... I have to pay attention.

So, just bear with me while I do this. Or leave me, because that's OK and I'll understand.

But you just might learn something, too. In which case, we can hold hands and learn something
together.
...

Back in my Shell

I'm still here. Pulled within....

The over-the-top crazy energy of Fest is over now and I've reeled my vulnerable self back into my shell. It's necessary.

So today I stayed still. I finished a book and began another. I wrapped my head in a scarf and my hands around a mug of hot sweet tea. Rain lulled me. I heard crows in the trees and buses lumbering children home from school. I saw autumn colors burning in the distance and mistook them for sunset.... I lit a lamp, pulled on a sweater, and wondered for a second if I'd just dreamed my time at Fest.

I didn't. It happened.

Later perhaps I'll endeavor to get my post-Fest thoughts organized. Try to recapture some of their sparkly sheen. Maybe begin a letter about it all and how I got caught up in its magick and about how it changed me. And about how things look now from a little distance. Kind of like fool's gold.

Or maybe that's just a trick of the light....

It's hard to tell from inside the shell.
...

Remember Me?

Chili peppers sometimes like the color pink and wear slippers. :)

I've yet to share a post in this crazy month of March and it's nearly over.

How can that be, I wonder?

Well, truthfully?, I think I understand. There've been bills to pay, movies to catch up on, appointments to keep, visits to make. I've been to California and back again, I've written letters and postcards, I've taken a bajillion photos....

There were planes and trains and automobiles in my March. Backpacks and strollers and car seats.

There were crowds of people poking pins in my Comfort Zone, and legions of thoughts filling up the rooms in my head.

I saw cherry trees in blossom, daffodils nodding along the roadside, snow on the mountains. I walked trails. I appreciated pines so tall and air so fresh and beer so exquisite that I thought I was on another planet. I collected leaves, acorns, pennies, maple keys. I studied millipedes and treebark and bear tracks and banana slugs....

And I loved on a grandbug so small and feisty that I'm thinking of calling her my little chili pepper. Seriously -- so dang small I could tuck her in my carry-on for the return trip home again! And believe me, it was tempting....

She dubbed me 'yaya,' can you believe it? (Finally -- an honest-to-goodness gramma name.) And I drew pictures of her and sent them to my Minnesota 'bugs. And ever since I've been dealing with the sad goodbyes and the difficult withdrawals and the Dark Looming of the Rabbit Hole....

After all the activity (granted, I didn't run any marathons, but my month's still been excessive by my standards) I was visited by a crazy Fibro flare-up that's had me up to my neck in hot soothing baths, soft clothes, and Aleve. And I've been taking quiet care of myself, care that involves stepping back from all forms of communication while I try to reunite my two halves and multiple personalities.

And now today I'm feeling almost sort of vaguely like myself again, if you can believe it. So I thought I'd drop a line to you just to let you know that I'm still here. And you're in my thoughts. And that if this is the only message I manage to send in this crazy month of March, I apologize. And I hope you can understand.

Deal?

Sweet.... :)

Happy Vernal Equinox, my friend. I've missed you. (*Hug*)

~delayne.
...